“Defiance isn’t a discipline problem, it’s a relationship problem.” – Laura Markham
Let that sink in for a minute…
Yes, sometimes our kids just don’t want to brush their teeth or empty the dishwasher.
That’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about the ‘I don’t care- You can’t make me- I hate you- Every little thing is a battle.’
We can try to make our kids cooperate with threats, yelling and punishment, but true cooperation comes when they WANT to cooperate.
When our kids feel close and connected to us, they care what we think. When they care what we think, they want to cooperate with us.
Think about people in your life that you’d go the extra mile for. Is it because you’re afraid of them or is it because you care about them and respect them?
True influence comes from connection.
If our child is lashing out, it’s because they are feeling disconnected and unloved. So if your child is being defiant on the regular, drop your agenda and work on your relationship.
This can be hard if you’ve gotten into a bad pattern of demanding and defiance and fighting.
Stop and think about how you want your relationship to feel.
What could you do to move in THAT direction? What could you do if you were motivated by love rather than control? What would you do if you could let go of the anger and resentment and act from a place of trying to connect?
It only takes one person changing to completely transform a relationship. And since we’re the grown up, that person is us.
Want some more support?
Book a free short consult with me.
You can also join our free Peaceful Parenting Facebook group.
Sarah Rosensweet is a certified peaceful parenting coach, speaker, and educator. She lives in Toronto with her husband and three big kids (ages 15, 18, and 21). Peaceful parenting is a non-punitive, connection-based approach that uses firm limits with lots of empathy. Sarah works one-on-one virtually with parents all over the world to help them go from frustrated and overwhelmed to, “We’ve got this!”
Read more at: www.sarahrosensweet.com
![As parents, we all face challenges, but what happens when traditional parenting approaches don’t work?
That’s why my client during this call, Samantha, is actively transitioning to a Peaceful Parenting approach.
We’re talking through how those challenges can feel even more intense when your child is more sensitive and needs additional attention and understanding.
Join us to discover major tips for a more peaceful parenting journey.
Go to https://link.chtbl.com/Z_YOP4jb to listen to this episode now, and share it with a friend you know needs to hear it too.
[ID: Photo of child and parent arguing on a blue background. Audiogram reads, “Yeah. The fact that he brought it up again tells me that he’s got some shame around it and feeling bad about it. So we don’t need to bring it up in a corrective way. I’m going to exaggerate for the purposes here, but, you know, yesterday when you bit me, biting is not okay. We don’t bite in our house. We don’t want to do any of that. He already knows that, right? There’s no information gap where he thinks biting is okay. So the healing that has to happen is around he needs to feel like, back to the beginning when we started talking, he needs to feel like you still think he’s a good person and that’s why he brought it up, because he feels bad about it. So you can say to him and he says, oh, what did he say again? Remember yesterday when I bit you? Yeah. And he said, I’m a bad boy. So you can say there’s no such thing as bad boys. Mhmm, that is, yeah. They’re only boys who sometimes are having a hard time.”]
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