“Before setting a limit or correcting, pause and think. Ask yourself, “Is this a health or safety concern? Does it harm people or property?” – Sarah Rosensweet
So many parents ask me, “How do I know which limits to set?”
This simple question will lead you to your answer!
Can your toddler drink the bubble solution? Can your 6-year-old stay up as late as they want? Is it okay for your 10-year-old to ride a bike without a helmet? Should your 13-year-old have unlimited screen time?
No, no no and no. These are health and/or safety concerns.
Can your 4-year-old throw rocks around your car? Or around playmates? Should your 6-year-old be able to run with scissors? Should your 11-year-old and their friends play basketball in the kitchen?
No! People or property could be hurt or damaged.
We never have to be mean about it though.
Remember, empathy always helps the limit feel a little less painful. “I know! You really don’t like these screen limits. It’s NOT fair that your friends all get to have unlimited screen and you don’t. I hear you.”
(Pro tip: You can add in, “It would be so much easier for me to say yes to this, sweetie. It’s a heath/safety issue and I love you enough to say no.” This really helped my kids to understand why I had to say, “No.”)
It can get a little trickier when it’s not as black or white as the examples I gave you above.
We might encounter gray areas such as: is it okay to wear pajamas to school? What about not brushing hair and living with tangles? What about not wearing a hat when it’s below zero?
And what constitutes damage to property varies from family to family. Maybe you don’t mind if your children jump on the couch or the bed whereas some people might not allow it. I know someone who lets their child draw on their bedroom walls. While I admire their nonchalance, I wouldn’t do that!
I encourage you to dig deep and really think carefully about the question: Is it *really* harmful or dangerous? We might *prefer* that our child wear clothes instead of jammies and brush their hair- but can we let them make this decision ultimately? It’s their body. They will learn through experience. Sometimes we have to let go of our agenda or our preference- no matter how much sense they make to us.
Children need the freedom to learn and to practice making decisions. You might need to give yourself some compassion when it’s hard to let go and remind yourself that it’s not an emergency!
Save the limit setting for when it’s really necessary.
Want some more support?
Book a free short consult with me.
You can also join our free Peaceful Parenting Facebook group.
Sarah Rosensweet is a certified peaceful parenting coach, speaker, and educator. She lives in Toronto with her husband and three big kids (ages 15, 18, and 21). Peaceful parenting is a non-punitive, connection-based approach that uses firm limits with lots of empathy. Sarah works one-on-one virtually with parents all over the world to help them go from frustrated and overwhelmed to, “We’ve got this!”
Read more at: www.sarahrosensweet.com
![As parents, we all face challenges, but what happens when traditional parenting approaches don’t work?
That’s why my client during this call, Samantha, is actively transitioning to a Peaceful Parenting approach.
We’re talking through how those challenges can feel even more intense when your child is more sensitive and needs additional attention and understanding.
Join us to discover major tips for a more peaceful parenting journey.
Go to https://link.chtbl.com/Z_YOP4jb to listen to this episode now, and share it with a friend you know needs to hear it too.
[ID: Photo of child and parent arguing on a blue background. Audiogram reads, “Yeah. The fact that he brought it up again tells me that he’s got some shame around it and feeling bad about it. So we don’t need to bring it up in a corrective way. I’m going to exaggerate for the purposes here, but, you know, yesterday when you bit me, biting is not okay. We don’t bite in our house. We don’t want to do any of that. He already knows that, right? There’s no information gap where he thinks biting is okay. So the healing that has to happen is around he needs to feel like, back to the beginning when we started talking, he needs to feel like you still think he’s a good person and that’s why he brought it up, because he feels bad about it. So you can say to him and he says, oh, what did he say again? Remember yesterday when I bit you? Yeah. And he said, I’m a bad boy. So you can say there’s no such thing as bad boys. Mhmm, that is, yeah. They’re only boys who sometimes are having a hard time.”]
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