Empathy and validation don’t mean that we agree with the child or condone everything they do; it’s simply an effort to understand and accept the child’s perspective. Emotions don’t become entrenched when they’re validated. In fact, they tend to lighten”
-WIlliam Stixred & Ned Johnson
A lot of parents I work with are afraid that acknowledging a child’s feelings when they are upset will make it worse. “Doesn’t that just make it seem like it’s okay? Won’t it make it harder for them to move on?”
The opposite is actually true.
Empathy, feeling with someone by trying to see it from their point of view, is THE single most effective thing to focus on if things feel hard with your child. (Pro tip- It’s also a way to keep things from being hard because you are showing up and connecting with your child!)
When we feel understood, we want to calm down. When we feel understood, we feel connected.
Look at it this way:
Have you ever been upset about something and your partner or friend shrugs it off and tells you, “It’s not a big deal. Why are you so upset?”
How did that feel? I know that makes me MORE upset if anyone does that.
Your partner or your friend might not agree that you have anything to be upset about. That doesn’t matter. Your feelings are your feelings and you have a right to them. No one gets to decide what is ‘worthy’ of upset.
What if, even if your partner didn’t agree or understand, they said, “Wow. I’m sorry. That sounds like it was really hard for you/upsetting. Is there anything I can do? Do you want a hug?”
Much better, right?
Our kids are the same.
We might not agree or understand. After all, we certainly wouldn’t be upset if someone cut our sandwich the wrong way!! That’s okay. We only have to try to see it from their point of view: It’s important to THEM.
If we can acknowledge their point of view and empathize when they are upset– “This is so important to you. Of course you’re upset”– the feelings will start to lighten and we will feel closer to our child.
Want some more support?
Book a free short consult with me.
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Sarah Rosensweet is a certified peaceful parenting coach, speaker, and educator. She lives in Toronto with her husband and three big kids (ages 15, 18, and 21). Peaceful parenting is a non-punitive, connection-based approach that uses firm limits with lots of empathy. Sarah works one-on-one virtually with parents all over the world to help them go from frustrated and overwhelmed to, “We’ve got this!”
Read more at: www.sarahrosensweet.com
![As parents, we all face challenges, but what happens when traditional parenting approaches don’t work?
That’s why my client during this call, Samantha, is actively transitioning to a Peaceful Parenting approach.
We’re talking through how those challenges can feel even more intense when your child is more sensitive and needs additional attention and understanding.
Join us to discover major tips for a more peaceful parenting journey.
Go to https://link.chtbl.com/Z_YOP4jb to listen to this episode now, and share it with a friend you know needs to hear it too.
[ID: Photo of child and parent arguing on a blue background. Audiogram reads, “Yeah. The fact that he brought it up again tells me that he’s got some shame around it and feeling bad about it. So we don’t need to bring it up in a corrective way. I’m going to exaggerate for the purposes here, but, you know, yesterday when you bit me, biting is not okay. We don’t bite in our house. We don’t want to do any of that. He already knows that, right? There’s no information gap where he thinks biting is okay. So the healing that has to happen is around he needs to feel like, back to the beginning when we started talking, he needs to feel like you still think he’s a good person and that’s why he brought it up, because he feels bad about it. So you can say to him and he says, oh, what did he say again? Remember yesterday when I bit you? Yeah. And he said, I’m a bad boy. So you can say there’s no such thing as bad boys. Mhmm, that is, yeah. They’re only boys who sometimes are having a hard time.”]
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